When a Loved One Passes Away: Tips for Helping Children Understand the Cycle of Life

Aging and dying are not easy concepts for anyone to understand, particularly young children. These topics are often fraught with wonderment and fear, and can be challenging for parents to explain to their children. When a loved one passes away, or moves through the aging process, we want to help ease our children’s anxieties, and guide them through the grieving process in a healthy manner. Often though, we find ourselves perplexed as to the best ways to approach the subject.

To celebrate our new title, The Gift, a book that explores a girl’s journey through life, we’ve developed some tips to help families discuss the delicate issues of aging and help celebrate life.

• You know your child and family the best. Is a loved one ill or showing signs of age? Find out what may be on your child’s mind by sharing age-appropriate information with them and asking them how they feel and what they think. Listen to them closely and consider your responses carefully. Take some time in your reply  — you don’t need to say the first thing that comes to mind. Children respond well when adults say, “That’s a great question. I’m not sure of the best way to answer that but I will think of a way and let you know as soon as I do.” Then, be sure you do get back to them so that their question is answered.

• Know that there is no right or wrong way of explaining the aging process to children. As with so much in parenting, it is best to trust your instincts, and keep the conversation going long after you brought it up the first time.

• If a family member or loved one is facing a severe illness, it’s often best to provide appropriate information to your child so they are kept informed, and to prevent any surprises that may occur.

• The questions about aging and the life cycle will evolve as your child grows and faces new situations. Keep in mind that children will most likely not be satisfied with one simple answer at a single point in time. The topic should be revisited periodically to address your child’s current fears and concerns.

• If a loved one has passed away recently, create family traditions to celebrate their life. These traditions can be an important way for children to express their feelings and keep the loved one’s memory alive. Some ideas including eating the person’s favorite foods, wearing their favorite colors, dedicating a dinner conversation to sharing favorite memories, etc.

• Share with your child the beauty of life with traditions and celebrations. Some ideas to mark the passage of time include planting a tree on special birthdays, displaying photos of loved ones, or keeping a journal with memories of cherished visits with grandparents and other loved ones.

• Read books with your child that feature characters of different ages. As you read with your child, ask them questions about what they may be thinking or feeling. Books are a wonderful way to teach children about all aspects of life.

• Be there for your children. Often when facing difficult realities, children find the most comfort in the presence of a parent. Take a long walk together, spend time on the couch together, identify times when you can be fully present with your child to talk, listen, and comfort them.

• You are not alone. Explaining the circle of life to children is difficult for even the most seasoned parents. You might find support and ideas from trusted members of your community, such as members of the clergy, close friends, family, teachers, and counselors.